I'm having Sinus surgury tommorrow. I think I should be a little more nervous than I am. But I guess my perspective has changed with things I wouldn't have even thought of. Like this surgury. All I can think about is how strong Brooke was and what she went through and what she would have endoured had she been with us today. John and I would have chosen to subject her to countless major surguries if her prognosis would have been even the slightest bit positve. Any chance she had we would have taken it. It would have been agonizing to see her go through what doctors and surgeons had described in order for her to be a healthy little girl. So as I believe more now than ever...Everything happens for a reason. Brooke was not supposed to go through that.  Our family was not suppossed to go through that. So the choice was made for us.  We did everything we could. I know there was nothing we did or could have done to change the outcome.
So sinus surgury...that is nothing compared to what my little girl went through. She has given me a growing strength. Thank you Brooke.

Back to work

This week I returned to work. It was a very difficult week. The last time I was there I had a big belly. I work at a couple different Assisted living facilites and run into several people throughout the day. I couldn't help but try to have tunnel vision and just try to see as few people as possible. When I did see somebody of course they would ask with a big smile on thier face how was the baby. It was extremely difficult having to say the truth. I felt bad for them knowing they were just being friendly and now they felt awful and had no idea what to say. I wanted to say something to let them feel better but all I could say was that it's OK. I'm not sure how they took it but that is all I knew to say. I know as I run into more people I will be asked that question. It is hard having to respond so many times. It brings up a flood of emotions which I can control only sometimes.
I know the more I talk about her the easier it will get. God is helping me cope. As I start a new week I will continue to see more and more people. I hope I don't break down.

Our Little Angel

It has been 1 month today since Brooke went to be with Jesus. It feels like an eternity yet the pain is still just as strong. The holidays have come and gone. A new year has begun. Life continues to go on.

Since this is obviously the most devastaing moment in my life this far, feelings that I feel have never been felt to this extreme. I read anything I can find at the bookstores and on line about coping and I guess I am pretty textbook with my thoughts. I guess it helps knowing I'm not wierd. I am at the point where I feel I need to talk about it but don't want to talk about it. It does make me feel good when people ask me about her even though I break down every time I hear her name.

I have decided to turn this blog into my outlet. I can freely talk about her and whoever would like to comment can. My heart is so full of emotions I hope I can make sense of them.

She has changed our lives forever. I need to write down my thoughts. It makes me feel like she is still close and I never want her to fade away. I know she wont but in my crazy head I feel that if I "move on" I will be without her. That hurts as well.

So Brooke... mommy is here and will ALWAYS be here for you! I love you!