Our Precious Brooke!

I'm having Sinus surgury tommorrow. I think I should be a little more nervous than I am. But I guess my perspective has changed with things I wouldn't have even thought of. Like this surgury. All I can think about is how strong Brooke was and what she went through and what she would have endoured had she been with us today. John and I would have chosen to subject her to countless major surguries if her prognosis would have been even the slightest bit positve. Any chance she had we would have taken it. It would have been agonizing to see her go through what doctors and surgeons had described in order for her to be a healthy little girl. So as I believe more now than ever...Everything happens for a reason. Brooke was not supposed to go through that.  Our family was not suppossed to go through that. So the choice was made for us.  We did everything we could. I know there was nothing we did or could have done to change the outcome.
So sinus surgury...that is nothing compared to what my little girl went through. She has given me a growing strength. Thank you Brooke.

Back to work

This week I returned to work. It was a very difficult week. The last time I was there I had a big belly. I work at a couple different Assisted living facilites and run into several people throughout the day. I couldn't help but try to have tunnel vision and just try to see as few people as possible. When I did see somebody of course they would ask with a big smile on thier face how was the baby. It was extremely difficult having to say the truth. I felt bad for them knowing they were just being friendly and now they felt awful and had no idea what to say. I wanted to say something to let them feel better but all I could say was that it's OK. I'm not sure how they took it but that is all I knew to say. I know as I run into more people I will be asked that question. It is hard having to respond so many times. It brings up a flood of emotions which I can control only sometimes.
I know the more I talk about her the easier it will get. God is helping me cope. As I start a new week I will continue to see more and more people. I hope I don't break down.

Our Little Angel

It has been 1 month today since Brooke went to be with Jesus. It feels like an eternity yet the pain is still just as strong. The holidays have come and gone. A new year has begun. Life continues to go on.

Since this is obviously the most devastaing moment in my life this far, feelings that I feel have never been felt to this extreme. I read anything I can find at the bookstores and on line about coping and I guess I am pretty textbook with my thoughts. I guess it helps knowing I'm not wierd. I am at the point where I feel I need to talk about it but don't want to talk about it. It does make me feel good when people ask me about her even though I break down every time I hear her name.

I have decided to turn this blog into my outlet. I can freely talk about her and whoever would like to comment can. My heart is so full of emotions I hope I can make sense of them.

She has changed our lives forever. I need to write down my thoughts. It makes me feel like she is still close and I never want her to fade away. I know she wont but in my crazy head I feel that if I "move on" I will be without her. That hurts as well.

So Brooke... mommy is here and will ALWAYS be here for you! I love you!

Future Huggies Baby!!!

I am pleased to announce that Brian just got back from his first official photo shoot. He was chosen out of more than 600 babies to be in a print ad for Huggies. I still can't believe it. Thios week was exciting as well as a whirl wind for us. We had to be down in Ft. Lauderdale twice and Miami for the shoot on Thursday. It is about a 3 1/2 hour drive one way. Brian was a trooper and gave his award winning smile every time. I basically had to wait in a waiting area each time. I don't know exactly what went on behind closed doors but they said he did great and was such an easy baby to work with. I won't know when it will be out officially but you can count on me letting everyone know as soon as I do. It was definately an experience but also very exhausting. We are all catching up on our sleep this weekend. Love you all.

Huggies Audition

Today we took a family road trip to Ft. Lauderdale. Brian had an audition for a Huggies commercial. We drove 3 1/2 hours one way for a five minute photography session. This was our first so we didn't know what to expect. I will let you know if he becomes the next Gerber Baby. It was exciting. Brian did great. He loves to smile and knows exactly what the camera is all about. He is all over the place now... crawling, standing up, and he always wants to grab mine or daddys hands and just walk. He wants to walk so bad on his own. He loves outside. He is finally starting to understand that you don't eat leaves, or grass, or acorns. But he loves to crinkle them up and watch them fall. The weather is perfect now...we got a bike trailer and have started to tote him around the nieghborhood. He fell asleep his first go around. Must be comfortable. Well, we had another good month. Jace turned one... he and Brian get to spend a lot of time together since they have the same sitter. They are starting to act like brothers. They always want what the other has. Time is flying by like everyone says. I am trying to absorb every moment. He is definately at that busy stage. He is all over the place.

January was great!

Just a look back we had a good time with Aunt Colleen and Uncle Ryan. They spent a few days down in ' warmer than New England' Florida. Brian really bonded with them. Brian started crawling this month and is already pulling himself up from the floor and walks with mommy or daddy's hands EVERYWHERE. Brian and I had a play date with some friends at the park last weekend. The three in the picture were all born the same weekend. They are all so cute. Brian wouldn't stop crawling on the grass and trying to eat it. Then they all starting trying to crawl away...what an instigator. He is really coming out into his own little person. John and I enjoy spending everyday with him. It is crazy how fast he is growing. Here are just a couple pictures of our month.